I love you, I hate you
I want to love you but I can’t. I feel all these emotions all at once and I don’t know how to react. I want to love you but I’m afraid. Loving you will lead to heartbreak. I don’t know if I can handle it again. Life is full of so much pain. I feel that pain every day and I hide it from you. I can’t bare to open my heart to you. Because I am ashamed of myself. Deep down I hate myself for being so quiet. “Will you ever grow up”, you asked me. You said that to me because I can’t talk about things. Had I wasted your time? How I not treated you the way you wanted? I haven’t given you my heart enough. Now you no longer love me. You no longer care for me and my heart. You are gone now, I won’t be able to tell you how much I love you, because you don’t love me anymore. It pains me that I disappointed you in the end. I was your heart your star the one to save you from the pain of the past. But who will save you now if I’m not there. How can I save you when you reject my love . Do I disgust you that much now. Do I not deserve you? If I knew one day we wouldn’t be no longer together. I would had never brought you into my heart. Now I will be more alone than ever before. I chased after you and I made you care for me, worry about me, love me. Our time together was amazing in the beginning as all honeymoon phase are. When we kissed the sparks were there. When I looked into your eyes I crumbled into a million pieces. When you touched me you knew I couldn’t resist. When we got into bed their were no other place I wanted to be. Our beautiful bodies were connected as one. We healed each other in more ways than one. I couldn’t believe how happy we made each other. And I couldn’t believe how terrible we treated each other.
I am always told in every relationship “I’m the problem” but I’ve been searching the streets of my memories for the reason why. Is it because of my wandering eyes. Not wanting to be controlled by any woman. My last relationship dipped in quality I felt like I was being controlled. Consistently being told how to act or feel from you. You wanted too much me from as if you deserved it. You forced your way into my social media and the things I wanted to keep to myself. Of course jealousy and insecurities filled your very being. You begged and pushed me into adding you on every platform of self expression. I tried not to think about it only if I did I would had saw what you had in store for me. You’re insecurities became stronger and stronger questioning me nonstop about other girls. Never trusting me it felt like. I knew you been hurt in the past. I told I will never hurt you, of course that was a lie. We will all get hurt in the end. I felt more annoyed from you, you started fights over and over. Getting frustrated when I’m too tired to fight back. Treating me even worst for not fighting for you. When you’re forced to always fight to alway walk on egg shells. You will lose interest very quickly. I loved you for how you made me feel. I hated you for how I made you feel. Soon the relationship became one side my opinion no longer matters. Only thing that matters is how you felt and what you say. It became either your way or no way. My love for you starts to fade-away. And I know your love for me is weakening as well. As if a disease hit us both, a disease of suffering and loneliness. Or maybe pain? When I talk to you I no longer feel happiness when I hear your voice. I hated answering your phone calls. Knowing god is punishing me for not giving you my all. 2/21/19